No Return
by Iggy - Essence of Angst
Summary: Each step would bring her closer to him, but then she feared each step would take her further away. She acknowledged that he might even reject her, to say that she had been nothing but a killer. She’d deserve no less.


**Note: Spoilers** for the last episode of Elfen Lied. Based on the anime. You have been warned.

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She distinctly recalled standing there, gazing across the darkened city, not quite able to pinpoint among all the trees and streets where the little house was, but still knowing it was in that general area, and that he'd be inside.

She wanted to go to him. Tell him everything. 

For the first time in her life, she wanted forgiveness.

But her body felt… _numb_. She was walking, but it was merely a mechanical movement; place one foot in front of the other. It was almost like she was watching herself head down the steps, and take the long walk to where the house was situated. Each step would bring her closer to _him, _but then she feared each step would take her further away, farther and farther from the possibility of….

She shook her head slightly and stopped, staring up at the steps. Knowing that he'd soon be departing his house to find out what all the commotion was about, and seeing her there.

Knowing that it would soon be the end. 

She wanted to do this, needing resolution so badly, wanting him to understand _why,_ but at the same time, not wanting to do it. She half-expected him to reject her, to say that she had been nothing but a killer. She'd deserve no less from him, anyway.

"_I want you to live there with Kouta and the others… and do what I cannot_," she recalled telling Nana, her throat tightening even as she knew what she had to do.

Once she spoke to him, there would be no return.

_-x-_

And she sat there beside him, not actually touching him, but hearing his breaths and the slight, subtle shifting on the stone pavement as he purposefully avoided looking at her.

It hurt.

She didn't apologize. 

But somehow he expected it to be this way. And the silence stretched on, between them, until at last she spoke up and told him.

Told him how she had waited, how she had suffered in the past five years, just to be with him again. Told him that she wasn't sorry for her previous actions towards his family, and that she didn't expect to be forgiven, but she didn't mean to hurt him. Truly, she had never, _ever_ wanted to hurt _him_. And then she stood up, preparing to leave. Maybe it was better that she depart without any further words, better that she leave him in silence. Maybe it wouldn't hurt so much.

Only to realize he had thrown his arms around her, his warm breaths against her neck as he held her against him to prevent her from moving. Beneath the initial shock, she swore she could almost feel his heartbeat pounding. They were _so close_.

"_I know I caused your family's deaths _-" she burst out, attempting to explain, to somehow atone for what she did. 

But he cut across her, pleading for understanding. That although she had murdered his family, he couldn't forgive her.

And she knew that. She had known it from the moment she had sat down beside him, that there wouldn't be forgiveness.

She couldn't even give him understanding. How could she?

"_But if you kill someone again… I'll definitely regret it_," he cried out.

She had no answer for that. But he wasn't finished.

"_That little girl from when we were kids… Nyuu too… I love them_," he admitted, his voice raspy. Her eyes widened at the confession and she felt her entire body freeze as tears burned at the back of her eyelids.

And then she kissed him, just because she wanted to. She _needed_ to. For one moment she was with him, _really _with him, and she wanted to hold onto it as long as she possibly could. 

Then she left. She could not stay there; not after what she'd done. It was for his sake as well as hers. 

As she headed back down the stairs and headed far enough out into the street that she could no longer see him or hear his footsteps, she collapsed onto a bench, one thought running through her head, tormenting her.

_I love them_.

Ironically, the one thing she had lived for, the one thing she had strived for, was the one thing she finally managed to achieve.

Yet it was the one thing she knew she could never return for. It was the one thing she could not do.

She could not be with him.

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Originally written: March 16, 2008

**Author's Note:** The emotional in thatfinal scene really struck me. So I suddenly wanted to write about what her perspective may have been upon that final goodbye, simply because mostly what we are shown is just a disturbed young child who ends up being a serial killer. I think there is so much more to her than what is given in the anime. We just have to look for it. 


End file.
